TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally from area. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let us have One more area exactly where American Males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: supply All people a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from House, a function currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after obtaining the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting interest from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even involve:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort in which my PTSD can have switch-down services."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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